I Know Who Killed Lindsay Lohan’s Career

Ah, Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay, why do you keep making movies that look like they stink? Why? Unlike your (ex?) buddy Paris, you can’t get away with making crappy movies because people know you’re actually talented.

I mean, come on, who didn’t like Mean Girls? Freaky Friday was a gem of a remake. The best part of A Prairie Home Companion was your song at the end. Aside from those movies, you’ve taken some awful career advice lately. It turns out that you cannot open a movie on your own unless it actually has a good script. People can smell “Lindsay Lohan” vehicles coming from a mile away. And boy does I Know Who Killed Me reek. (That is, unless your fans just want to see you as a stripper. That’s right folks, Lilo goes pole dancing in I Know Who Killed Me.)

So, please, Linds, hole yourself up in Vancouver and make an independent ensemble movie for no money. Or star in a big-budget musical adaptation of a Broadway smash. (If Spring Awakening gets made in the next two years, you’ll still be young enough to play the female lead.) You could still become your generation’s Jodie Foster if you play the cards right.

I Know Who Killed Me is rated R and opens on July 27. SKIP IT. (Official site)